Monthly Archives: September 2016

foodnotmoralThree weeks have blown by since my surgery day.  I'm now eating soft foods and working on getting my protein and other nutrients from food instead of relying on protein shakes.  I still have a protein shake every day for breakfast to get a good start on the day with about 1/2 of my protein goal right off the bat.  But through the day I'm working toward small regular meals with protein to meet my nutrition needs.  It's a slow progression, but it's been steady, and I still have no complications.  (knock on wood)

One of the things I found when I researched the gastric sleeve procedure is that most people lose their hunger drives and cravings.  I was convinced, however, that I would be the one person this didn't work for.  I'm happy to report that this was not the case.  I have to set reminders on my phone to eat and drink because I just don't get the same hunger signals I used to.  This has caused a sea change in the way I see food.

I wish I had grown up with a healthy relationship to food.  For a number of reasons, I didn't.  I know I’m not alone internalizing moral judgments about food - vegetables are "good," ice cream is "bad" for example.  And of course, the biggie - if you're overweight you're lazy, have no self-control, and are "bad".  There are lots of theories as to why our society imposes and reinforces these moral judgments about food.  I don't really care why, I just need to get those voices in my head to shut up.

Here's where the beauty of this procedure comes into play.  The messed up food voices are still in my head, but I no longer confuse them for physical hunger or cravings.  After I was cleared for soft foods, the Mister and I went to the grocery store.  Immediately, I was attracted to this amazing smell from the produce section and tracked it down to the nectarine display.  I have HUGE food issues going back to childhood and have severe anxiety when trying to eat anything out of my comfort zone.  I can't tell you if I had EVER actually tried a nectarine.  We bought a couple, and they were pretty good.  (They'd be better with granola or in a cobbler than by themselves in my book, but really pretty good.)  This is something that would NEVER have happened before.  Then we walked past the Little Debbie display.  Now, Little Debbies, specifically the honey buns, have been my downfall for a long time.  I'd clear out a whole box of them in 2 days before.  The messed up voice in my head said "oooh, Little Debbies.  That would count as soft foods.  We should get some."  Then the part of my brain that imagined actually eating one went, "eh.  Doesn't sound that good."  Walked by with no issues.  Same thing happened with the Pop Tart section on the next aisle.  (Chocolate Fudge Pop Tarts were another gotcha for me in the past.)  It was incredible.

I don't know if this effect will last forever.  But if it lasts long enough to help me establish a different relationship with food, it will be so very much worth it.  I think I could have gotten there with enough time and therapy, and admit that surgery is a drastic solution.  However, it's working so much better than I could have wished for.  It's still too early to say "best decision I ever made" but the evidence is racking up pretty fast for it.

stuart_smalleyAs happens around my house, a conversation with my husband about a weird dream I had turned into a deep conversation about "imposter syndrome".  I've suffered from this most of my life and am only now starting to have any real confidence in myself professionally.

Anyone who knows me has heard tales of the multiple jobs I've had throughout my life.  My standing joke well into my 30's was that I didn't know what I wanted to be when I grew up.  The saddest part is that I know exactly what I wanted to be, and I didn't have the courage to do it when I could.  So instead I drifted through life, jumping at new opportunities when they presented themselves.  I'm lucky to be white, female, intelligent, and well educated.  These advantages opened up a lot of doors for me over the years.

Most of my working life has been spent in corporate IT working with databases, reports, and data warehouses.  While I was pretty good at it and learned new concepts and technology very quickly, I always felt that imposter syndrome.  I didn't have a college degree where many of my peers did, and no formal education in computers.  I spent most of my years feeling deep down that someone was going to figure out I was an imposter, and I'd get fired and wouldn't be able to take care of my child.  There's a constant anxiety level to deal with that makes everything stressful.  I still cringe when I'm asked to step into my boss' office (or worse, my boss' boss' office).

Once I got my initial nursing degree and moved back into the medical field, I started feeling more comfortable.  The hardest job I ever loved (before nursing) was working as a Paramedic.  I didn't do it long enough to get seasoned, but I knew I was reasonably competent.  I had the same training and certifications as my peers, the only thing I lacked was experience.  Nursing felt like coming home, and again I found myself with the same license and (mostly) training as my peers.  My comfort must have shown because I can't count how many times people I worked with were shocked to find I was a new grad nurse.  I was told many times that I didn't comport myself as a new grad, and they had assumed I had been a nurse for many years.  Having worked for some two decades feeling like an imposter, that was incredibly affirming to me.  I loved nursing and was sad when I had to leave.

Moving into healthcare informatics, I knew I would have more computer experience than a huge majority of my peers.  What I didn't expect was several rounds with recruiters essentially telling me I had nothing to offer because my computer experience was then three years old.  I started feeling the anxiety of imposter syndrome again.  I had just started my master's program in informatics and wasn't far enough along to feel like it gave me any credibility.  I'm very lucky to have found my current position because I'm reassured on a daily basis by what I accomplish that I can do this job, and do it well.  It's a small slice of healthcare informatics to be sure, but I have no doubt now that I can walk into an informatics job at any level and rock it out.

Interestingly, I thought it would be getting my master's degree that would help me get over the imposter syndrome.  I thought it would give me the informatics specific training as well as fill in some of the formal computer science education I missed.  What I'm finding is that higher education is more of an endurance test than actually teaching anything.  The professors in my graduate classes say that their job isn't to teach us any information.  That as graduate students, what they are teaching and evaluating is our ability to research and learn from existing materials and then translate what we've learned.  Hell, I've been doing that since high school.  I can honestly say I'm not learning anything in my classes about how to do an informatics job.  The best I can say about my incredibly expensive graduate degree is that I'm being exposed to sources of information I didn't know were available in the form of books and peer journals.  I know how to read and extract information.

I don't think I'm over the imposter syndrome completely.  I'm not sure if this syndrome is a function of misogyny in professional life or our overall culture.  I'm not sure if it's just something that people face when they're good at a lot of things and just "pick things up" along the way.  It could even be a function of age, and now that I'm getting closer to 50 (cringe) I'm just growing out of it.  I'll leave those questions to the social scientists.  What I do know is that I'm not alone in it and that it's an anxiety construct and needs to be dismantled as such.

So to quote Stuart Smalley,

I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggone it, people like me.