Personal Growth

Well, it finally happened.  Munchkin has flown the coop.

Shortly before Thanksgiving last year, Munchkin's dad (Ex#1) passed away after long-standing health issues.  As she dealt with cleaning out his hoard (seriously, I'd forgotten how much stuff that man could cram into a closet) she decided she would keep the lease on his duplex and her BFF would move in with her.  It's taken her this long to get the place liveable and get the bulk of his stuff cleared out in between school and work.

But this week Muchkin & roomie decided even though things aren't 100% ready, to start sleeping over there and get the rest done while living in it.  So I'm officially an empty nester.  Though my garage will be serving as a storage facility for Munchkin's overflow for the forseeable future, and she hasn't completely cleared out her room yet.  Hopefully she'll finish that out this weekend.  Her leasing company bans pit bulls, so the dogs will be staying with us, and I imagine Munchkin will still be a frequent visitor.  We'll just have to train her to text before she comes over so we can put clothes on.  LOL.

So it hasn't quite hit me or the Mister yet.  We'll have our hands full for a while moving our own furniture around and filling space back up, as we get used to rattling around in the house by ourselves.  I plan to take over Munchkin's old room and turn it into my office/craft space and we'll see how the rest of it comes together.  I think we'll adjust to it just fine, I don't anticipate being all weepy over my baby being on her own.  But you never know until you are actually dealing with a situation, right?  We'll see how it goes.

 Well, 2016 is finally winding to a close. My friends who are into numerology tell me that 2016 is a "9" year, one of endings and closure. They say that 2017 is a "1" year of new beginnings. I hope that's true. Because while there have been good things that have happened for me in 2016, it's been a slog of a year.

We've lost so many celebrities this year, and some of the losses have been hard. Which always feels odd to say. I mean, I've never met these people, and only know them through their movies or music or writing, plus whatever news and gossip hits the few media channels I frequent online. Why should their deaths impact me in any personal way? But the fact remains that it does. I think part of the phenomenon is that it reminds us that time marches on, and we're older than we feel. Well, most days anyway. And that Death comes for us all in our time. Sometimes before our time, it seems.

Many of the famous people who died this year were getting up in years, and had been in poor health. So it's not like most of the deaths were surprises. I mean, when someone who's in their late 90's dies, how is that surprising? Sad, perhaps, but surprising? It's the ones who were "so young" that always cuts most deeply. It reminds us that we're not immune. I've known that from a young age working as a Paramedic, and more recently as an ER nurse. When you see death regularly as part of your work, you have a very intimate sense that each day is precious. That sense gets numb sometimes, but it's always there. Deaths of well known people just alert the sense once again.

A friend posted this link today on Facebook, and while I'm not a Millenial, some things he had to say really hit home for me.

Simon Sinek on Millenials in the Workplace
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hER0Qp6QJNU

If you don't have time to watch the whole thing (but I highly recommend it), one of the things he talks about is how social media causes dopamine to be released, which hits the addiction/pleasure center of our brains. He is of the opinion that if you're sitting with friends but texting/facebooking/whatever on your phone with other people, you're missing out on some of the really incredible things that are supposed to happen when you spend time with friends. If when you wake up in the morning, your first action is not to greet your significant other, but to turn on your phone and check facebook, then you're losing out in your relationship. If you're on your phone while waiting for a meeting to start, you're not creating relationships with your co-workers through seemingly insignficant chatter.

That really made me stop and think. Evenings at home have my family sitting on the couches, watching TV together, but not really together. Munchkin is typically on her phone doing something with her friends. The Mister is usually playing a computer game and occasionally checking his Facebook. I'm checking my Facebook and other social media, or doing homework. None of us are focused on the TV show we're watching, and we're certainly not doing anything actually TOGETHER. That's not to say every minute of our lives has to be doing something as a group, but shouldn't some nights, some activities be more present somehow?

I have a group of people who are my tribe. They are more vital to my well being than my blood family in many ways. We get together in person all too infrequently, and when we do there is a technology device in virtually everyone's hands. We do interact and chat and catch up with each others' lives, but it's an intermittent experience. Someone will get a text from another friend and engage with that for a while, or possibly share it with the group, or get disinterested in the topic of conversation and check out with their phone for a bit. Part of that is because we're a tribe of introverts, but I wonder what it would be like to have a gathering where the devices were left in the vehicles, or even just in the bags, for an hour or two.

I know lately I've been feeling very disconnected from my friends and family. I don't know if it's the season, or the culmination of a hard year for everyone, or maybe the long-term effects of the technology addiction that Sinek talks about. Sure, we "talk" all the time on Facebook, but that just seems to be very superficial to me right now.

When problems brought about by technology arise, I'm a person who tends to ask if there's not also a solution that technology offers rather than a knee-jerk reaction to decide that technology is bad. Perhaps I need to see if some of my friends are interested in a group video chat or even just a one-on-one Skype on a regular basis so we're more in-touch than what Facebook allows. Maybe just more in-person get-togethers are in order, and technology can facilitate the planning and coordination. I don't want to sound like I think technology or social media is the bad guy. I'm in touch with friends who I would have never found again without social media, even if it's just the occasional update about how life is going, it's still nice to wave at them. I have friends who have moved away that I've been able to stay in touch with through social media, where we'd have completely lost touch without it. I think it's about finding ways that technology helps, and limiting the downsides.

So.

New beginning for 2017.

Makes me ask the question, what's REALLY important to me? What's worth the time and energy to start over and build on?

At this point in my life, I'm finding that it's about the people in my life. My relationships. I haven't been a good friend in many cases. I get wrapped up in my own stuff, anxious about talking on the phone (it's a weird phobia, I know), over-scheduled and stressed, and the first thing that goes is my communication and face-time with the people who are important to me. I think I'll catch up later, and then suddenly months have gone by. Relationships take work and time, after all. It's going to be up to me to figure out how to make that time and energy available.

But that's my priority for 2017, I think. Right up there with finish grad school. And get back to the gym. And start cooking more. And start journalling. And keep a cleaner house. And write a book. (Too much? Probably.)

It seems trite to do all of this self-analysis and "I'm going to change my life" stuff coming up on New Year's. Maybe it is trite, but it's also a collective threshold that our culture recognizes, so it's kinda built-in. Why not use it? Either it becomes a true "new beginning" or it's something that sounds good, and it's tossed aside by Super Bowl Sunday and at least it was a good blog post, right?

I know it's been weeks since I posted anything on this blog. The end of the year is always a bit of a blur for me, and this year is no different. Mea cupla.

Halloween rushes into Thanksgiving, and then there's a rush of birthdays and anniversaries for me before Yule gets here. Add in the end-of-term school projects and shopping/knitting for presents before Yule and people pestering me to start my holiday baking, and it's a recipe for craziness. I have one more school project due in two days, and then I'll be done until January 9th. So Saturday will be the start of my holiday rush and I can start catching up on sleep.

During nursing school, I thought I would never be so happy as when semesters ended and I could catch up on sleep. All I can say now is #gradSchoolSucks. In fact... https://twitter.com/#gradschoolsucks In many ways nursing school was worse, but grad school is right up there.

I have another year to finish my Master's program. Three semesters. Six classes. Forty-eight weeks of coursework. I don't regret deciding to go to grad school, but boy has it been a slog. I have so many things piling up that I want to do, and I'm tired of saying "I'll do that in 2018." But if I try to add things into my schedule now, I'll end up sick from the stress. Dare I say it again? #gradSchoolSucks.

In other news, things continue to go well after my weight loss surgery. I'm now about 3-1/2 months out, have lost 62 lbs, and am having wardrobe crises regularly. So far I've been able to avoid going clothes shopping, but that won't last much longer. I'm able to eat pretty much anything I want, though things with a lot of sugar and/or fat I have to be very careful of. I'm also still working on slowing down when I eat, because it makes me physically very uncomfortable, and the habit of wolfing one's food down is hard to break. I'm getting to the gym about once a week, and am trying to ramp that up, but #gradSchoolSucks.

My RA/PsA is doing much better now that I'm back on my meds. And while my inflammatory factors are still a bit elevated after the surgery, they're low enough that we are no longer considering biologic therapy, which is a good thing. We may still have to raise the dosage on my current medication and/or add in a second medication, but that's preferable to biologics if it will work. I finally ordered a splint for my thumb that has let me get back to knitting. My blood pressure is back into normal ranges after we stopped the medication, so all of the health indicators are heading back in the right direction.

All in all, life is good, if way too busy. And #gradSchoolSucks.

heavyheart

Your heart is too heavy from things you carry a long time,
You been up you been down, tired and you don't know why,
-- Matisyahu, Live Like a Warrior

You can count me among the millions of sad, scared people this week. My Facebook feed is mostly split between two groups this week: those who feel the same way I do, and those who think I and the others who feel this way are reactionary whiners.

I could write for hours trying to explain why we're scared and sad, but it would be wasted time. You either already agree with me, or you are likely not listening, REALLY listening, to anything I or my scared contingent say.

That is what I see as the biggest problem we face in America today. No one is really listening to the other side. We are all mired in our own echo chambers and when someone breaks through with a message contrary to what we believe, our reaction is to attack instead of listening.

I am told there was a time in America where the concept of a loyal opposition was an accepted, even celebrated, role in politics. I can't imagine it. For my adult life, the political reality has been "if you're not with us, you're against us" which has resulted in a do-nothing Congress hell-bent on accomplishing absolutely nothing for the American people in order to block any attempted legislation by President Obama and his supporters.

I naively believed that those on the other end of the political spectrum from myself still wanted the same things for America, namely a strong economy with unlimited opportunity and equality for the American people. That even if we disagreed on the "how" we all agreed on the goal.

But we have stopped listening to each other and assuming the best in each other. We are talking over and at each other and not listening.

The Mister is a hard-core Libertarian, which results in some ... um, well, interesting conversations about politics in our home. I know that the Mister loves me dearly, and would defend me to the ends of the earth if I were actively threatened. For the last few days, he's made comments about the people who are protesting the outcome of the election that while not directed at me, felt very personal. This morning, as I was getting out of the car, he took my hand and said "I know you're scared, but remember we're in this together and we'll get through it." I almost broke down in tears right in front of my office building because that was the first time this week I've felt my feelings validated by anyone who doesn't share my fear and sadness.

I know that most people who voted for Trump are good and decent people who do not support the vile, racist, homophobic, xenophobic, mysogynist, hateful rhetoric that he was spewing. Most of the people I know who voted for Trump would never condone the verbal and physical violence that has occurred this week in the wake of the election. But instead of hearing our very real fear, I see many of you trying to convince us that we're over-reacting or whining that we lost, and in some cases even trying to prove that the verbal and physical violence isn't real. Or worse, saying things like the only proven case of violence was graffiti in schools, and that's not worth discussing. What we hear is that children terrorizing other children isn't significant.  What we hear are statements mocking our very real fear and pain.

The Democrats are guilty of this too, don't think I'm giving us a pass. The leaders of the Democrat party have become completely out of touch with the "regular" people and the struggles they deal with every day.  The party has completely failed to hear and understand what people are going through and has marginalized those who don't agree with the platform.

Let me say this loud and clear. I hear you. I get that you're worried about how to keep a roof over your head, feed your family, and get healthcare when you need it. I know that entire swaths of industry have disappeared in this country, and that it leaves you and yours scared and angry. I get that terrorism is scary, and every time something happens here in the U.S. it feeds that fear. I hear your fear, I see your anger, and I understand.

If you're a conservative voter, you and I disagree on the best ways to fix the things driving those fears. I believe that a strong safety net is necessary. I believe that a public option for healthcare that is available to every citizen is a necessity. You believe that getting the government out of it and leaving it to the market is the best way to fix it. You believe the way to deal with issues of discrimination and hatred in this country is for everyone to just get along and quit talking about the issues.  I look at the history of discrimination and hatred in this country and believe that protections need to be established.  We disagree, and that should be OK. But instead, I get labeled a Socialist, you get labeled a Fascist when neither term means anything close to what we're trying to say.

If we could just talk to each other, and really listen to what the other person is trying to say, I believe we could find solutions that would work for both of us. But when the labels and judgment come out, there's no more communication.

That's when the political machine comes in, spreading lies and distraction to push us even farther apart. When we can't even agree on the facts, and issue moral judgment against the person who disagrees, nothing can be accomplished.  Fear and hatred are magnified, and the machine doesn't want us to find common ground.

If I could wave a magic wand and change anything about the politics in our country, it would be to close this entrenched gulf. I would not, in fact, wish that everyone thought the same way I do. I firmly believe that it is our differences that make us stronger. I believe that the strongest leader keeps people around them who disagree about what to do. I would just wish that we could once again embrace the loyal opposition, and figure out how to disagree in a civil and respectful manner.

There is a common saying in my UU faith which I wish for our country:

We need not think alike to love alike. *

This is my prayer for each of us.

 

* The quote is frequently attributed to Francis David, but arguably originated with John Wesley (founder of the Methodist church) so correct attribution is difficult.

lifechanges

Wow. Over a month since I've posted anything. I plead life changes, grad school, work, and illness as excuses. Life is beginning to look a LOT different than it did pre-op. I'll post more on that later.

It's interesting to me how we define moments as life-changing. Life before this event and life after this event. There are the huge ones that everyone remembers as a frozen snapshot in time: JFK assassination, Reagan shooting, Challenger explosion, 9/11 attacks. The "where were you?" moments. We all have stories to share about where we were when we heard, how it's changed our life or society since then.

But then there are the personal ones. Some tragic, more that are joyful (hopefully), but each one marking a point in life where everything changed. Moving to another state, life-changing injuries or illness, graduation, marriage, ending relationships, forming new relationships, encountering the death of loved ones. Events that change the trajectory of your life, for better or worse.

It seems like I've had nothing but changes over the last few years. Back to school 3 times. 4 new jobs. Divorce. Remarriage. Chronic illness diagnosis. Weight loss surgery. Whew, and that's only the last 5 years. Needless to say, my life doesn't look anything like it did five years ago. I live in the same house and Munchkin is a constant as are friends, family, and the remaining cats. Nothing else is the same, and that's a good thing.

Some of these are certainly life changing moments. A clear line in the sand of time where something stopped or started or both. But many of them blend in like a wave of tiny changes that go almost unnoticed until in a moment of retrospection you look back and see how far you actually got moved.

I've been - mostly - a "go with the flow" kind of person my whole life. Especially regarding my career. Opportunities presented themselves, and even if it meant a complete shift from the prior plan I embraced those opportunities. That's resulted in an odd patchwork of job history and an interesting mix of skills. It's served me well overall. It meant that when a chronic illness diagnosis required me to leave bedside care, I only experienced some regret but no panic as I made the decision to move into Informatics. When changes come, I tend to roll with them.

The only things I tend to really regret are opportunities I've missed. Like when I was too scared as a 19-year-old to take a Paramedic job in Alaska (even though I "had people there") because it was so far from home. And leaving bedside care and a future as a nurse practitioner because I really didn't have a choice. I don't carry around a lot of regrets about life choices, and I think it may be because I did embrace opportunities and change when they came.

Since this has apparently become a "Wear Sunscreen" kind of post, I'll close with my advice for what it's worth. (And if you've never read "Wear Sunscreen", click the linky thing and read it now.)

Embrace the opportunities that come to you. Take the job that means moving across the country. Go to school (or even back to school) for the thing you've always wanted to be but didn't think you could. Go out on the blind date (but have a safe call set up). Travel every chance you get. Take that dance class that requires a public performance at the end. Life is about change, so buckle up for the ride and enjoy it.

stuart_smalleyAs happens around my house, a conversation with my husband about a weird dream I had turned into a deep conversation about "imposter syndrome".  I've suffered from this most of my life and am only now starting to have any real confidence in myself professionally.

Anyone who knows me has heard tales of the multiple jobs I've had throughout my life.  My standing joke well into my 30's was that I didn't know what I wanted to be when I grew up.  The saddest part is that I know exactly what I wanted to be, and I didn't have the courage to do it when I could.  So instead I drifted through life, jumping at new opportunities when they presented themselves.  I'm lucky to be white, female, intelligent, and well educated.  These advantages opened up a lot of doors for me over the years.

Most of my working life has been spent in corporate IT working with databases, reports, and data warehouses.  While I was pretty good at it and learned new concepts and technology very quickly, I always felt that imposter syndrome.  I didn't have a college degree where many of my peers did, and no formal education in computers.  I spent most of my years feeling deep down that someone was going to figure out I was an imposter, and I'd get fired and wouldn't be able to take care of my child.  There's a constant anxiety level to deal with that makes everything stressful.  I still cringe when I'm asked to step into my boss' office (or worse, my boss' boss' office).

Once I got my initial nursing degree and moved back into the medical field, I started feeling more comfortable.  The hardest job I ever loved (before nursing) was working as a Paramedic.  I didn't do it long enough to get seasoned, but I knew I was reasonably competent.  I had the same training and certifications as my peers, the only thing I lacked was experience.  Nursing felt like coming home, and again I found myself with the same license and (mostly) training as my peers.  My comfort must have shown because I can't count how many times people I worked with were shocked to find I was a new grad nurse.  I was told many times that I didn't comport myself as a new grad, and they had assumed I had been a nurse for many years.  Having worked for some two decades feeling like an imposter, that was incredibly affirming to me.  I loved nursing and was sad when I had to leave.

Moving into healthcare informatics, I knew I would have more computer experience than a huge majority of my peers.  What I didn't expect was several rounds with recruiters essentially telling me I had nothing to offer because my computer experience was then three years old.  I started feeling the anxiety of imposter syndrome again.  I had just started my master's program in informatics and wasn't far enough along to feel like it gave me any credibility.  I'm very lucky to have found my current position because I'm reassured on a daily basis by what I accomplish that I can do this job, and do it well.  It's a small slice of healthcare informatics to be sure, but I have no doubt now that I can walk into an informatics job at any level and rock it out.

Interestingly, I thought it would be getting my master's degree that would help me get over the imposter syndrome.  I thought it would give me the informatics specific training as well as fill in some of the formal computer science education I missed.  What I'm finding is that higher education is more of an endurance test than actually teaching anything.  The professors in my graduate classes say that their job isn't to teach us any information.  That as graduate students, what they are teaching and evaluating is our ability to research and learn from existing materials and then translate what we've learned.  Hell, I've been doing that since high school.  I can honestly say I'm not learning anything in my classes about how to do an informatics job.  The best I can say about my incredibly expensive graduate degree is that I'm being exposed to sources of information I didn't know were available in the form of books and peer journals.  I know how to read and extract information.

I don't think I'm over the imposter syndrome completely.  I'm not sure if this syndrome is a function of misogyny in professional life or our overall culture.  I'm not sure if it's just something that people face when they're good at a lot of things and just "pick things up" along the way.  It could even be a function of age, and now that I'm getting closer to 50 (cringe) I'm just growing out of it.  I'll leave those questions to the social scientists.  What I do know is that I'm not alone in it and that it's an anxiety construct and needs to be dismantled as such.

So to quote Stuart Smalley,

I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggone it, people like me.

kaizen

I used to love Tony Robbins, reading his books and watching his shows. I still think he's awesome, but hadn't thought much about him until this past week. One of the things he promotes is from the Japanese concept of 'Kaizen' which in simple terms is to commit to constant improvement in whatever you're trying to achieve. Never being satisfied with your performance, and looking for little ways to improve. This really resonated with me when I was younger, and I've worked to implement this in my own life.

What really got me thinking about it this week however, was a simple blood draw. With surgery upcoming, the surgeon wants to make sure I'm healthy and all that, and it's standard to draw some blood and run a few tests to make sure the system is operating within normal parameters. No big deal. I have zero issues with needles. Back in the day, we practiced on each other in Paramedic school, and since then I've let nursing students and other people training to start IVs and draw blood to practice on me. I don't have much pain with it, even though I bruise like fruit and sometimes come away from those sessions looking like a junkie.

I preface all of this by letting you know up front that I am an easy stick. My skin is quite light, and while some veins are not visible to the eye, they are easily felt and not very deep. My veins aren't particularly prone to rolling or blowing. I also have quite a bit of experience with both blood draws and IV starts. I am fond of telling people "I used to do this bouncing down the road in an ambulance with very little light." I am not a "vein whisperer" by any means, but I'm better than average, I would say. Working in the ER as a nurse gave me opportunity to regain my skills from years ago as a Paramedic and expand on them.

Drawing blood requires a slightly different technique than starting an IV, but they are similar enough that we tend to discuss the techniques interchangeably. It's a skill to be sure, so my next comment is not intended as a denigration of the people who do it. It is not rocket science. It doesn't take dizzying intellect or some special knowledge, nor is it an unachievable skill for most people. People who are particularly good at it usually are happy to give you tips and tricks they use, and with the advent of the internet there are dozens of places to go for information including videos about improving your IV skills.

So it always surprises me a little and seriously disappoints me when medical professionals who need to draw blood or start IVs regularly just throw their hands up and say "I'm not very good at this." It reminds me of a scene from one of my favorite movies where a hunky Viking throws Antionio Banderas' character a sword, and he complains that it's too heavy to use. The Viking's response? "Grow stronger."

So my surgical intake nurse this week was very nice, and seemed to be a very competent nurse. She wasn't a new grad by any means. As a surgical intake nurse, she probably has to draw blood on a dozen people or more a shift. I could tell she wasn't terribly comfortable with the draw, so I tried to reassure her by letting her know that I'm not a hard stick. She flat out told me that she can't really feel veins at all. This floored me a bit, since you can't see the veins on most patients due to skin pigment, tattoos, scars, hair, and more. We are taught to evaluate the veins by feel. Location, direction, valves, "bounciness", and size are all things we tell from feeling the arm.

One of the large veins that is almost a default for blood draws and often for IVs is the antecubital, which is on the inside of the bend of the elbow. You know the one I mean, some of you are cringing and pulling your arm in to protect it as you read this. Mine is fine, no issues with sticking it, pretty much ever.

She missed it. Clean.

Which I should be happy about, since that means it doesn't bruise. But there's no reason for it. I was hydrated and in reasonably good health. So she moved to my forearm wherebruise she could see the vein. Long story short, she went through the vein. Which is actually quite common with people learning to do blood draws, but they usually get better. It makes for a leaky IV and blown veins if you're trying to start an IV, but it doesn't usually screw up a blood draw. So she got the blood she needed. And I got this bruise:

I'm honestly not upset with the nurse. Like I said, I routinely let people practice on me. But I am disappointed that she doesn't seem to be trying to get better, she's just accepted that she's not good at it. In her position, that means that people who are harder sticks than I am get stuck way more than they need to. She did state that if she didn't get the second try, she'd get someone else. Which is good, because it at least limits the number of sticks and bruises. However, there are people for whom even this article is painful. They have a real anxiety about needles, and it's traumatic for them to have repeated sticks. Some people are truly hard to stick, and while they're usually patient, they need people who are working to improve their skills, not people who have given up.

When I was working ER, it was a point of pride that I was pretty good at IVs. I enjoyed having people come to me for help when they were having problems. I liked passing along the tips and tricks that worked for me and seeing my cohorts improve their skills as well. When I worked with honest-to-goodness vein whisperers (and I worked with several) I watched carefully how they did things, and asked questions. I sought out internet resources to find new information about ways I could keep getting better. I would ask for help when I was outmatched by a patient's veins, because I wasn't going to turn my patient into a pincushion. But it was my goal to be the person who, if I couldn't get a line, the patient needed a sonogram placement or a surgeon to place a central line. I wouldn't be satisfied with myself until that happened.

Kaizen isn't an obsession with perfection.  It's a commitment to becoming just a little better every day.  That's a healthy approach, and one we should all embrace.

Especially if you draw blood every day.  Just sayin'.

level10lifeAs part of my foray into bullet journaling, I ran across some people doing "Level 10 Life" in their journals. This intrigued me, so I started researching it. From what I was able to find, it started with the "Miracle Morning" by Hal Elrod. I've borrowed one of his books available on my Kindle and am reading it currently to see if the morning process he advocates will work for me. I'll report back on that after I finish it. One of the bullet journalers I follow has several posts about how she's implementing it, here and here.

Since I'm trying to digitize my bullet journal (at least for now) I wanted a way to put this into my OneNote, which means either hand drawing and taking a picture or doing an Excel chart. While expert Excel chart makers can do this wheel type chart, I don't have the time or expertise to do it. So I did a radar chart. I may change this later on, but thought it was a decent start. While the graphics are amusing, the heart of this is setting goals and tasks that will improve the self scores for each area. That's a little harder. I decided that I'll categorize this blog along the ten dimensions, and see how it shakes out. My OCD tendencies had me re-wording the categories as single words, but no single word seemed to work for Personal Growth, so I decided the OCD person in my brain needs to just shut up.

Companions - for me, this is about the people who mean the most to me. I blur the lines between "family" and "friends" enough to cause confusion. So the concept of companions on this journey of life seemed appropriate. My challenge is staying in closer contact with these people. I've come to rely on Facebook to update everyone on what's going on in my life, and it's very impersonal. My goal is to cultivate closer relationships with my core group of companions. I'm not quite sure exactly what that's going to look like yet.

Romance - I am so lucky to have a great guy who loves and understands me. My goal will be to spend more quality time with him, and less "veg in front of the TV" time.

Health - I gave myself a really low score on health. I know my health could be a lot worse, but I rated it in terms of how happy I am with my current state. I'm having bariatric surgery to start working on the weight. I will increase my activity level as I'm able post-op. Once I'm far enough post-op to get on the biologic treatments for my PsA I will. So my focus will be eating well and moving more for the time being.

Environment - This one seems a little odd in comparison with the others. It's about the physical environment we're in at work and home. I haven't been able to tolerate outside activities or do much in the way of clearing clutter and cleaning inside, so I also rated this one pretty low, but only because there's so many things I want to do as I have time, energy, and finances. De-cluttering, cleaning, landscaping, and decorating for starters. I'll refine this one as I go along.

Career - I think I'm doing pretty good in my career. Once I made the decision to go into Medical Informatics and landed my current job, things have smoothed out. I'm including graduate school in this category, since the only reason I'm doing it is to advance my career. All of my goals are long-term here, so I'll focus on school for now.

Finances - This area sucks for us, there's no way around it. All in all, we're very lucky. We make enough to support the family, and are comfortable. But the debt doesn't seem to budge, and we're not implementing much of a plan. I have loaded our data into YNAB (link) and the Mister and I have committed to reviewing it jointly every week, developing a plan and working the plan. First goal is to re-build our emergency cushion as recent unexpected expenses had reduced it. Then get rid of the debt as aggressively as we can. Oh, and buy a used truck sometime late summer or early fall for cash.

Personal Growth - All of the non-school stuff I want to learn and do falls into this category, except for Spirituality. So my bullet journal/miracle morning stuff will go here, trying to learn other languages, etc. My goal is to dedicate some time to doing these things on a regular basis.

Spirituality - I feel like I've really lost something here. I used to be active with the church I attended, even serving as a Board Member. I've worked with and founded non-traditional religious non-profits, and used to spend a lot of time working on my spiritual life. I feel like that completely flew out the window during marriage #2. I want to get this back, and I'm looking at a few ways to work on that. More to come.

Recreation - There's so many things I love to do: knitting, spinning, beading, reading, computer stuff, etc. Right now I can't do much of the craft work because of the pain in my hands, but hopefully this will change.

Giving - I wasn't sure what to do with this, at all. I volunteer time as a medic for a roller derby league a friend of mine skates with, so I counted that. I don't feel like there's a lot of 'giving back' in my life right now, and I don't know what that will look like, but I'm going to give it some thought.

This ended up being a much longer post than I intended, and a lot of it is "I don't know what this will look like, but I know I want it to be better." But it's a start, and one of the lessons I need to learn is that sometimes good enough is good enough.

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When last we left our heroine, she was ranting about politics and getting settled in a new job.  Let's peek in and see how she's doing…

Things are good in the land of the AntiChick.  Work is going well, married life suits me, those in my family are all doing well.  I'm adjusting to living with a chronic illness, and grateful that it's been mostly manageable.  I'm working on insurance approval for weight loss surgery.  Graduate school sucks.  Well, to be fair, ONLINE graduate school sucks.  I don't know if there would be less suckage if I were able to attend physical classes.  I keep reminding myself that it's not forever, just until December 2017.

I've been considering a move to a Bullet Journal, which has been consuming more of my thought processes than it probably should.  (http://www.bulletjournal.com)  I am an office supply addict, and it appeals to me to have an analog system for capturing thoughts and notes.  However, I am completely digital with my calendar on Google and have a cool Galaxy Note 5 phone with a stylus, so I'm toying with the idea of doing something like it digitally.  I mean, I *always* have my phone with me, it seems silly to have to always carry around a notebook.  But there are things I prefer to scribble out, and they seem to get lost in the notebook I usually run around with.  I will need to find a system that allows me to blend analog and digital notes in a usable way.

One of the things I really need to keep up with better is my blogging.  I have a bunch of ideas I want to write and publish, but I need to get in the pattern of writing daily and updating my blog more often than I'm currently managing before that can become a reality.  The blogging landscape has certainly changed in the twenty-some years I've been on the internet.  I finally got a Facebook page set up, and I need to figure out what other social media needs to accompany my blog.  Instagram?  Snapchat?  Not really sure where all of that fits in, but I'll figure it out.

More to come.

I didn't get a chance to watch President Obama's State of the Union address live last night. As with so much of my news, I read it online. I just read the transcript of the SotU address, and I continue to be impressed with President Obama. He took an opportunity to make his last SotU address one to remember. He tackled the political issues of the day with thoughtfulness and insight. I've seen a lot of criticism about his speech online today, and it saddens me. Not that people criticize him or what he said, but that it is done with such hate and vitriol. I am tired of having our President called an idiot, tired of having his patriotism and commitment to this country called into question. President Obama is one of the most educated, eloquent, and thoughtful presidents we have had in a very long time. It's okay, expected even, to criticize what he has to say and disagree with his politics. But to denigrate his accomplishments and integrity because you disagree with him is vile. Yet it has become pervasive in our culture.

My friends and family represent a full cross-section of the political spectrum. I have Bible and Constitution thumping conservatives, Ayn Rand spouting libertarians, FDR loving progressives, Marxist socialists, and every flavor and variation in between represented in my Facebook feed. While some would argue, I in fact fall a very little to the left of center. Those who call my political opinions and stands to be ill-informed are flat-out wrong. I read and listen to every opinion posed, and try to see beyond the rhetoric and vitriol to see the value in the proposal. Sometimes I don't find much value, but the difference is that I do not assume that the person espousing the opinion is stupid or hateful or hates this country. I wish I could say the same of every person whose opinions I am exposed to.

I know enough history to know that the polarization of politics is nothing new. Nor is the vitriol and hatred spewed at those who disagree with the speaker. There have been times that our country was as divided politically as we are now, and the political rhetoric was just as vile between the political camps. I also know that those periods historically have also preceded some pretty nasty violent times. So I don't have to like it, or accept that it's inevitable, just because there is precedent.

What troubles me more than the vitriol is that the various political camps cannot even agree on the most basic facts, which means finding common ground is nigh unto impossible. That we have media outlets deliberately distributing untruths as true facts is both damaging and indicative of where we are as a country. When the attitude is factored in that if you don't agree with me that you are trying to destroy America, it guarantees that the divide will only worsen. Ultimately, it is not a good thing for our country, and certainly not for interpersonal communications.

I don't expect that anyone will change their minds because of what I write, but my hope is that I might get even a couple of the extremists in my circle of friends and family to stop and think. I love America, and want to see the country grow and succeed. If you believe that I am stupid or ill-informed because of the things I believe will help the country and my fellow Americans do just that, or worse that I want to destroy the country because of them... then I have to wonder why you would want to have anything to do with me. Is it because you think you can "save" me by educating me, or getting me to see things your way? Or do you think you can out-shout me, or intimidate me into supporting your opinions? Either way, you must not think much of me as a person. You certainly have no respect for me based on that position.

I was taught that conservatives and liberals all want the same thing - to live in the best country on Earth with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. That they simply disagree on the ways to make that happen. When we start assuming that those who oppose us are evil, or at the very least stupid, we lose what makes us a great nation and society. What will it take to get back to the place where we can disagree without the hate and vitriol?

I usually try to find an upbeat way to end my posts, and today I just can't.  So I'll leave it here, and hope that the comments posted will revive my faith in my fellow humans.