Tag Archives: Grad School

It's been a while since I posted. #gradSchoolSucks and all that.

I have been struggling with a lot of stuff this month.

The "on this day" feature of Facebook has made it clear that October is migraine month for me, and this month was no exception. In fact, my migraine monster decided to go for a personal record. I had three weeks straight at the end of September and beginning of October where I didn't go a single 48 hours without a migraine or other severe headache. I finally determined that sinus pressure, partially due to crazy weather changes, was playing a part, along with a bit of dehydration from the constant pain. Munchkin's first neurologist (who was a Godsend) said migraineurs cannot let themselves get hungry or thirsty or they risk a headache. Wiser words were likely never spoken. I signed my life away at Walgreen's for some real Sudafed, upped my water intake, and along with several rounds of a version of the ER Migraine Cocktail, finally got the cycle broken.

The #meToo wave crashed over Facebook, and I felt moved to share a little bit of my experience. This caused me to publicly state some things that went on in marriage #2 that I'd never spoken of publicly. That required a lot of emotional processing, and I'm currently re-evaluating people who remain in social circles with both Ex#2 and myself. I think it was worth it, as a couple of guys on my friends list posted that the #meToo wave showed them in perfect relief something they'd never realized before. That virtually every woman they know had suffered some degree of sexual harrassment, assault, or abuse in their lives. I really hope that this is the beginning of a sea change in the way we talk about violence against women.

I'd like to point out that I'm being gender specific with my terms, because the violence is also perpetrated against non-binary and trans people when they present or are percieved as female, so I have not changed my wording because I believe that this particular violence is against women specifically. Non-binary and trans people face ADDITIONAL violence because they are not conforming to societal gender norms, and this is equally wrong. I don't like conflating the issue because it dilutes the impact of the violence against women, and it also erases the idea that non-binary and trans people who present or are perceived as female get TWO kinds of violence directed at them. I also recognize that men are victims of sexual harrassment, assault, and abuse as well. They should also be believed and supported, no question. But again, I don't like conflating issues and want to see violence against male targets given its full due.

Anyway, enough social commentary for today. LOL.

Work is stressful. Grad school is stressful. I told my therapist last night that I think I've maxed myself out on stress. It's causing me to procrastinate with school stuff making this last semester that much more of a grind and adding more to the stress levels. It's causing me to become ambivalent about projects at work, which is never a recipe for my best effort and results.

In good news for the month, I'm back to my regular dose of the fibro meds, and my daily pain level is a 2-3 out of 10 which is a vast improvement from the 5-6 it was earlier in the year. My fatigue is getting better, but then I'm still recovering from the beating October delivered to me. I still hate having a fibro diagnosis because it's so non-specific and has a lot of stigma attached to it, but I have to be glad that I'm in the percentage of people for whom the meds seem to work well.

So I have basically seven more weeks of grad school to gut through, and then I'm hoping life gets a lot happier. In the meantime, I'm hanging on and pushing through. Now that the weather is starting to level out as Fall blows in, I'm hoping that November will be a lot better of a month for me.

I know it's been weeks since I posted anything on this blog. The end of the year is always a bit of a blur for me, and this year is no different. Mea cupla.

Halloween rushes into Thanksgiving, and then there's a rush of birthdays and anniversaries for me before Yule gets here. Add in the end-of-term school projects and shopping/knitting for presents before Yule and people pestering me to start my holiday baking, and it's a recipe for craziness. I have one more school project due in two days, and then I'll be done until January 9th. So Saturday will be the start of my holiday rush and I can start catching up on sleep.

During nursing school, I thought I would never be so happy as when semesters ended and I could catch up on sleep. All I can say now is #gradSchoolSucks. In fact... https://twitter.com/#gradschoolsucks In many ways nursing school was worse, but grad school is right up there.

I have another year to finish my Master's program. Three semesters. Six classes. Forty-eight weeks of coursework. I don't regret deciding to go to grad school, but boy has it been a slog. I have so many things piling up that I want to do, and I'm tired of saying "I'll do that in 2018." But if I try to add things into my schedule now, I'll end up sick from the stress. Dare I say it again? #gradSchoolSucks.

In other news, things continue to go well after my weight loss surgery. I'm now about 3-1/2 months out, have lost 62 lbs, and am having wardrobe crises regularly. So far I've been able to avoid going clothes shopping, but that won't last much longer. I'm able to eat pretty much anything I want, though things with a lot of sugar and/or fat I have to be very careful of. I'm also still working on slowing down when I eat, because it makes me physically very uncomfortable, and the habit of wolfing one's food down is hard to break. I'm getting to the gym about once a week, and am trying to ramp that up, but #gradSchoolSucks.

My RA/PsA is doing much better now that I'm back on my meds. And while my inflammatory factors are still a bit elevated after the surgery, they're low enough that we are no longer considering biologic therapy, which is a good thing. We may still have to raise the dosage on my current medication and/or add in a second medication, but that's preferable to biologics if it will work. I finally ordered a splint for my thumb that has let me get back to knitting. My blood pressure is back into normal ranges after we stopped the medication, so all of the health indicators are heading back in the right direction.

All in all, life is good, if way too busy. And #gradSchoolSucks.

stuart_smalleyAs happens around my house, a conversation with my husband about a weird dream I had turned into a deep conversation about "imposter syndrome".  I've suffered from this most of my life and am only now starting to have any real confidence in myself professionally.

Anyone who knows me has heard tales of the multiple jobs I've had throughout my life.  My standing joke well into my 30's was that I didn't know what I wanted to be when I grew up.  The saddest part is that I know exactly what I wanted to be, and I didn't have the courage to do it when I could.  So instead I drifted through life, jumping at new opportunities when they presented themselves.  I'm lucky to be white, female, intelligent, and well educated.  These advantages opened up a lot of doors for me over the years.

Most of my working life has been spent in corporate IT working with databases, reports, and data warehouses.  While I was pretty good at it and learned new concepts and technology very quickly, I always felt that imposter syndrome.  I didn't have a college degree where many of my peers did, and no formal education in computers.  I spent most of my years feeling deep down that someone was going to figure out I was an imposter, and I'd get fired and wouldn't be able to take care of my child.  There's a constant anxiety level to deal with that makes everything stressful.  I still cringe when I'm asked to step into my boss' office (or worse, my boss' boss' office).

Once I got my initial nursing degree and moved back into the medical field, I started feeling more comfortable.  The hardest job I ever loved (before nursing) was working as a Paramedic.  I didn't do it long enough to get seasoned, but I knew I was reasonably competent.  I had the same training and certifications as my peers, the only thing I lacked was experience.  Nursing felt like coming home, and again I found myself with the same license and (mostly) training as my peers.  My comfort must have shown because I can't count how many times people I worked with were shocked to find I was a new grad nurse.  I was told many times that I didn't comport myself as a new grad, and they had assumed I had been a nurse for many years.  Having worked for some two decades feeling like an imposter, that was incredibly affirming to me.  I loved nursing and was sad when I had to leave.

Moving into healthcare informatics, I knew I would have more computer experience than a huge majority of my peers.  What I didn't expect was several rounds with recruiters essentially telling me I had nothing to offer because my computer experience was then three years old.  I started feeling the anxiety of imposter syndrome again.  I had just started my master's program in informatics and wasn't far enough along to feel like it gave me any credibility.  I'm very lucky to have found my current position because I'm reassured on a daily basis by what I accomplish that I can do this job, and do it well.  It's a small slice of healthcare informatics to be sure, but I have no doubt now that I can walk into an informatics job at any level and rock it out.

Interestingly, I thought it would be getting my master's degree that would help me get over the imposter syndrome.  I thought it would give me the informatics specific training as well as fill in some of the formal computer science education I missed.  What I'm finding is that higher education is more of an endurance test than actually teaching anything.  The professors in my graduate classes say that their job isn't to teach us any information.  That as graduate students, what they are teaching and evaluating is our ability to research and learn from existing materials and then translate what we've learned.  Hell, I've been doing that since high school.  I can honestly say I'm not learning anything in my classes about how to do an informatics job.  The best I can say about my incredibly expensive graduate degree is that I'm being exposed to sources of information I didn't know were available in the form of books and peer journals.  I know how to read and extract information.

I don't think I'm over the imposter syndrome completely.  I'm not sure if this syndrome is a function of misogyny in professional life or our overall culture.  I'm not sure if it's just something that people face when they're good at a lot of things and just "pick things up" along the way.  It could even be a function of age, and now that I'm getting closer to 50 (cringe) I'm just growing out of it.  I'll leave those questions to the social scientists.  What I do know is that I'm not alone in it and that it's an anxiety construct and needs to be dismantled as such.

So to quote Stuart Smalley,

I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggone it, people like me.

I finished the last assignment for my last course of the summer semester in my graduate program.  I struggled with letting it go and calling it done, because I knew I could have done better.  I’d met most of the requirements for the assignment, a certain number of posts to a discussion group, but hadn’t backed it up with enough research as I normally do.  I didn’t really have anything else to add, but I could have found something to research and posted more.  My posts hadn’t been fabulous, but they were mostly okay in my book.  There was no reason for me to struggle with this, it was done.  “Half-assing” it, my overall grade dropped from a 94% to a 93% so I guess good enough was really good enough.

Being a perfectionist can be helpful in some areas.  After all, I’m a nurse and I don’t think many of my patients would be okay with me “half-assing” medication safety and administration.  It has been a good thing for me when I was a data warehouse analyst and programmer.  “Good enough” really doesn’t do the job when you’re dealing with financial and insurance data.

Being a perfectionist in every area of my life has proved counter-productive, however.  Trying to perfect my resume’ meant it didn’t go out to some jobs soon enough.  Wanting everything organized perfectly as I’m trying to clear clutter meant the clutter didn’t get cleared.  Trying to remove every error in a knitting project means it will never be done.  There are a lot of things in life where “good enough” really is good enough.  Some cleaning is better than no cleaning.  Getting the assignment in on time but not up to standard is better than 50% off your grade.

The wisdom in life is learning which is which.  That, I’m getting better at.