Monthly Archives: March 2018

I love caffeine.

It's a serious and lasting love I've had since I was a teenager.

I grew up in a religious denomination that teaches not to defile your temple (body) with drugs like caffeine. It wasn't a "you're going to hell" prohibition, but it was certainly discouraged. As a result, I didn't learn to like the taste of coffee as a teen or adult. But my parents weren't all that strict about it, so I started drinking sodas with caffeine and had a serious Dr. Pepper addiction starting from about high school forward. It wasn't until I developed some benign cysts and my doctor inquired about my caffeine intake that I had ever even stopped to figure out how much I was drinking most days.  (It was a LOT.)

Then came the day I discovered the Frappuccino® from Starbucks. That was heaven in a cup. With whip and drizzle. I was hooked. When I couldn't get Starbucks, I started drinking "regular" coffee with a lot of cream and sugar. Friends have told me I don't really like coffee, since it's not coffee when I'm done with it. It's a chocolate milk concoction with a little coffee in it.

I knew I was addicted. I have chronic migraine, and if I didn't have a good dose of caffeine by noon, I'd have a migraine headache by 3pm. The first neurologist Munchkin saw said that migraineurs self-medicate with caffeine and it can be a good thing. The next neuro she saw griped at both of us coming into his office with Starbucks. (We fired him.) The few times in my life I've tried to detox off of caffeine, it was 2 to 3 weeks of headache and fatigue and prescription doses of ibuprofen 'round the clock.

Nursing school and nurse life did nothing to dissuade me from continuing my caffeine habit. In fact, it's a standing joke that all nursing students have coffee in their veins instead of blood.

Then came my bariatric surgery.

My surgeon doesn't restrict caffeine after the 2nd day post-op, but a lot of people report not being able to tolerate coffee on their newly rearranged stomachs for periods ranging from a few weeks to a few months post-op. Knowing that coffee is pretty rough on the stomach, and since carbonated beverages and ibuprofen are completely prohibited for an extended time post-op, I knew I needed to get off of the caffeine. Withdrawal was not something I wanted to try while recovering from surgery and having a delicate stomach.

So a few weeks before surgery, I started weaning myself off of caffeine. It actually went pretty smoothly, with judicious application of ibuprofen and good migraine meds. By the time the surgery rolled around, I didn't need it anymore. I was "clean" for the first time in decades.

After the surgery, I didn't try coffee for a few months. I tolerated it fine when I did, but there was something freeing about not HAVING to have the caffeine in order to feel well. I also appreciated that since I didn't drink it regularly, when I did indulge in a cup, I got more of a "kick" from it than I had when I was drinking it multiple times a day. I decided I'd just continue with most days not having any caffeine.

Unfortunately, I'm also a Spoonie. Multiple chronic illnesses, most of them with symptoms of extreme fatigue and brain fog, cause me to struggle to get through many days. I started having occasional sugar-free caffeinated sodas with lunch. Then it became a daily thing. (Yes, my sleeve lets me have carbonation if I don't drink it too quickly.) A couple of weekends ago, I was feeling particularly sluggish and decided to get a soda. It picked me up so well that I had coffee the next morning and I had another really good day energy-wise.

I was faced with the choice of inviting my coffee monkey to climb right back up on my back or staying true to being "clean" and forcing myself to push through days without any support.

(Most people probably don't think about this kind of thing to the extent I do. It's one of my charms.)

I looked at myself in the mirror and said, "Screw it." Then I made myself a cup of coffee. Lots of creamer, monk fruit sweetener (that stuff is AWESOME).

Since we're starting to have warm weather here in Texas, I tried some cold brew coffee in cold milk with chocolate. YUMMY! That's my new morning staple until it gets cold again.

This past weekend, I forgot to get coffee when I got up Sunday morning, as the habit is not yet ingrained. Around 2pm I was trying to figure out why I felt so groggy and headache-y. I went to grab some food from the fridge and saw my bottle of cold brew and the light bulb went off. Got myself some coffee and felt better within the hour. (Yes, I'm a dork sometimes.)

Part of me felt bad that I'd succumbed to my addiction again after being well and truly free of it.

The part of me that loves my coffee knocked the other part into a coma and suggested we stop at Starbucks on the way home.

1 Comment

I love that quote from Adam Savage.

The reality I'm rejecting today is that I'm old enough to have a 21-year-old daughter.

Yesterday we celebrated Munchkin's 21st birthday.  Facebook's On This Day reminded me that 5 years ago today, she got her driver's license.  She then drove her Dad and I back to my house (he had insisted on being there for her driving test for some reason), kicked us out of the car, and took off for her first solo drive.

She's always been an independent person.  I've alternately been grateful and annoyed by that trait in her.  "My do it!" was probably her first complete sentence.  (Actually, I'm pretty sure it was "Izzy is a stupid cat" but the other makes a better story.)

And of course, this is still how I see her:

But now she's an honest-to-goodness adult.  She recently got her EMT certification, and last week finished her orientation for her first ambulance job.  Oh, and she's moved out of the house again (though it'll be nice when all of her stuff manages to follow her).  So I guess she's been "launched", whatever that's supposed to mean.  I do hope that I gave her a solid enough foundation to make her way in the world without too many stumbles.

That's the thing about parenting that I sometimes think a lot of people miss.  We're not raising children, we're raising people to be functional adults.  Munchkin didn't have an easy go of things, with a single Mom for most of her life, and some really disasterous step-family stuff.  So the self-sufficient streak was probably a really good thing through the years it was just me and her against the world.

I think I probably did a good job with her.

But I still insist I'm not old enough to have a 21-year-old kid.  Just sayin'.